


Pig Tails

by Arrku



Series: Yo Arnold! - Highschool Hijinx [2]
Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Gen, High School, Multi, Original Character(s), episotic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-10 03:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14729345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrku/pseuds/Arrku
Summary: Sometimes a pig's tail can help unravel the past. When Abner begins to display strange behavior, Arnold makes it his mission to find out what his pig is up to.Meanwhile, Helga has her own problems to deal with, and an annoying little porker keeps showing up.





	1. The Pig-Pocketer

**Author's Note:**

> If you have not read my previous story, please start here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/13513125/chapters/30993360
> 
> This is a continuation of that story. My stories are all set in the same universe, with the same characters. They are episodic. 
> 
> Quick Rundown from Circles: Arnold has been living in San Lorenzo for the past two years of 7th & 8th grade, and finally comes back for high school. He quickly learns that much has changed in the group dynamics of his friends, and overwhelms himself trying to reconnect with everyone. Helga has her own moral dilemmas, trying to fit in at a new school. They both encounter a nerdy boy named Lenny that helps reunite them, and in the end, Arnold and Helga agree to try starting over as friends.

**\-----------------**

**ARNOLD: Monday**

**\-----------------**

“Hey Grandpa? Have you seen my phone?” Arnold called through the hallway as he looked along the floor for his device.

 

“What, ya lost it already?” Grandpa said, holding what looked like a pile of assorted wires and metal screws.

 

“It was on my desk chair when I went to sleep. I don’t know where it could have gone to…” Arnold sighed, standing straight up and jumping out of the way as a door flew open towards him.

 

“Ayyee good good you’ve got more!” Cora Crescentia, the large woman tenant was plucking some of the wires from Phil’s arms as she made her way through the door.

 

“HEY WHAT THE-- These are not for you OR your blasted supercomputer! It’s to fix the outlets that YOU fried earlier this week!” Phil protested, but Cora merely smiled broadly at him.

 

“Ahhh what an adorably cranky ol’ man ye are. Don’t worry, you know I’m good for em’!” She gave him a friendly punch in the chest and Phil just protested louder.

 

She then took the time to wink at Arnold, who was just standing there looking confused.

 

“Looking fer something, are ya mate?”

 

“Uhh, my phone?” Arnold was distracted by his grandfather’s flailing and moaning as Cora approached him.

 

“Well why didn’t ye say so! Your watch there can find it for ya!” She pointed at Arnold’s wrist.

 

“It can?”

 

“But of course! Here, a little tap here,” She grabbed his wrist and tapped his watch a couple of times, poking a couple of settings before watch-mom began to speak.

 

“Retrieving phone. Please stand by.” she chirped out, the display face loading something.

 

“Wow, that sure is helpful.” Arnold was impressed, and Cora just smiled proudly.

 

The screen finally blipped into an image that displayed a green arrow and a blue target. There was a number on the screen as well that counted the distance, and according to that, his phone looked to be very close by.

 

“Please stop standing by and begin walking now.” Watch-mom demanded.

 

_Sheesh._

 

“Fiesty one ain’t she?” Cora chuckled.

 

As Arnold began following the trail that was displayed for him, Phil had tried to swipe a few of his wires back from Cora. This resulted in the two playing a strange looking game of tug-of-war.

 

As Arnold jogged downstairs, his eyes glued to the phone, he saw Abner with his head pointed up against the door crack. He looked like he was waiting to go out.

 

“Oh hey boy, wanna get some fresh air?” Arnold reached the door handle and opened it for him. The pig made a couple of ‘thank you’ snorts and began taking off as fast as an old, fat, arthritis-ridden pig could.

 

Arnold looked down at his phone and stared perplexed as the blue dot began quickly moving away from him now. He looked up at the open door, down at his phone, and then up again, finally getting it.

 

“ABNER WAIT.” He called as he ran after his pet.

 

Luckily, the animal was no spring chicken, and Arnold was able to catch up to him fairly quickly. He grabbed a hold of the phone sticking out of Abner’s mouth and wiped it off with his sleeve.

 

“Where were you going with this?” Arnold asked, but Abner only oinked in protest from the missing device.

 

“Come on, let’s go back home.” Arnold sighed, turning around to give Abner the hint.

 

Abner just looked at Arnold, then back towards the opposite direction, before facing Arnold again. He looked really torn until he decided to run towards his original destination, phone or no phone.

 

“Okay then…” Arnold watched Abner shuffle down the sidewalk and just shrugged. He didn’t really have time for this. He needed to get to school soon.

 

_Pigs will be pigs I guess._

 

* * *

 

When Arnold arrived at school, he was met in the courtyard by a sudden magazine shoved in his face.

 

“Can you believe this?! The Scarlet Vampire’s love interest left her and now she can’t fly anymore!!”

 

The image of a graphic novel cover waved in front of his eyes frantically as Lenny spewed nonsense at him.

 

“Wh-what?” Arnold grabbed the comic Lenny was going on about and pulled it away from his face. The cover showed a costumed woman in heels of all things, with bat wings protruding from her back. He honestly had no idea what he was looking at.

 

“...Please don’t tell me you don’t know who the Scarlet Vampire is.” Lenny deadpanned.

 

Arnold opened his mouth awkwardly, holding up a finger to say something, but nothing came out.

 

“Oh my Gaawwwdddd! You weren’t kidding when you said you’ve been in the jungle for the last two years!” Lenny was pacing around incredulously at the thought.

 

“Yep I really wasn't. Is this some kind of horror comic?”

 

The horrified look that Lenny gave him was enough of an answer.

 

“She’s a super hero, dude! She’s got her own movie coming out soon! That’s why this issue just came out. To boost hype!”

 

Arnold laughed nervously. Where was Helga when you needed her? She was usually able to deflate Lenny when he got too passionate about his comics.

 

“Okay! Sorry! I just figured she was a vampire so--”  
  
“She’s not actually a vampire. She just has bat wings due to a mutation that she received back in-- oh wait that’s a spoiler, nevermind. ANYWAY it’s just her superhero name. Her real name is--”

 

“Hey dudes, having nerd club?” Gerald strung his arms around the two boys with a mocking smile and a set of raised eyebrows.

 

“Yes and you’re not invited. You’re too cool.” Lenny mocked back as Gerald let them go and laughingly agreed.

 

Arnold was just happy for the interruption, especially before the bell rang--

 

_RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!_

 

“Come on nerds. Don’t wanna mess up that perfect attendance now would ya?” Gerald nodded towards the school doors and began walking, Lenny abandoning his comic lecture to follow.

 

“Shouldn’t we wait for Helga?” Arnold asked, following hesitantly.

 

“The bell just rang, Arnold! She’s probably with Phoebe. Come on!”

 

Arnold took one last look out past the school before turning to join them. It was the first time since school started that Helga hadn’t shown up at this designated spot, so it felt unusual was all.

 

* * *

 

During his second class, Arnold spotted Helga and waved at her with a friendly smile. She gave him an acknowledging smile back.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Helga looked confused. “Hm?”

 

He sat down next to her, plopping his books on the desk in front of him.

 

“You weren’t outside before school started. Just wondering if you were late.”

 

“Oh, yeah I was. I was just, I ran into an old friend is all so I lost track of time.”

 

Arnold’s eyes lit up with interest. “Old friend? Anyone I know?”

 

“Yeah yeah…” Helga batted a hand nonchalauntly, before looking back at him with a startled look and quickly backpedaled, “I mean no, you wouldn’t know them.”

 

Arnold tilted his head at her curiously for the odd behavior. She looked oddly flustered, and her skin was kind of pale.

 

“What?” Helga asked sharply at his stare.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay? You look kind of sick.” He was about to reach up to touch her forehead, before she swatted his hand away angrily.

 

“Hey! Do _I_ go around calling you out for your appearance when _you’re_ having a bad hair day?”

 

“Huh?” Arnold actually looked up and felt his hair for a second, unsure of what she meant, before he realized that he had indirectly insulted her.

“Oh! No that’s not what I meant, sorry. You look nice, really.” Arnold tried to recover himself for accidentally ridiculing the way she looked.

 

She just gave him a dull, unamused look back.

 

He blinked back at her, before slowly smiling with his teeth, looking slightly terrified.

 

Helga just raised her eyebrows, trying to hold back her amusement. Damn that boy was way too cute. There was no way he was getting away with that comment, though.

 

“Ohh just shut up and pay attention to the teacher, ya derpy Scarecrow.”

 

“Sure, Helga.” Arnold sighed in relief.

 

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful, but Arnold became worried when Helga wasn’t there to meet with him and Lenny after school. She hadn’t showed up for the last class at all.

The three of them would often hang out until Lenny’s mom picked him up, and then Arnold and Helga would take the bus home. This was an easy routine to get into, considering the three of them shared the last class.

 

After showing up late for school, looking a little sick during an earlier class, and now this, Arnold was growing a bit concerned. He was even ignoring Lenny’s constant yammering about comic book movies.

 

“Arrrrnold. Have space gerbils inhabited your brain?” He waved frantically in front of his face.

 

“Oh, sorry Lenny. I was just wondering where Helga was.”

 

“Why, did you wanna invite her to dinner or something?”

 

“No I just-- wait what?”

 

Lenny gave an unnerving smile. “Nothing, why are you so worried anyways?”

 

Arnold paused, giving Lenny a squint for a second, before deciding to ignore it. “She just looked kind of sick during class, and didn’t really seem like herself.”

 

“Hmm yeah come to think of it. She didn’t bite my head off when I stole some of her cheese puffs at lunch.”

 

Arnold jolted upright when a buzz in his pocket surprised him. He noticed Lenny pulling out his phone as well to see a message.

 

**[ Hey bros, not feeling great. Don’t wait up for me. I’ll bus home with Phoebe ]**

 

“Huh, well mystery solved!” Lenny pocketed his phone after reading the group message.

 

Arnold gave him a crooked smile. “I hope she’s alright.”

 

“You worry to much, Sir Empathy. She’s probably just got girl problems. She’ll be fine!”

 

A honk near the street alerted Lenny to a familiar car, and he waved to it. “Hey mom!”

 

“Girl problems…?” Arnold pondered to himself.

 

“Your bewilderment both astounds and amuses me sometimes, Arnold.” Lenny shook his head, “Hey! Since Helga’s not coming, ya wanna get a ride with me and my mom? It’ll be quicker!”

 

Arnold looked up, “Oh, sure, why not. It would be nice to finally meet her!” he smiled and followed Lenny to the shiny blue mini SUV.

 

“Hey mom, can we give my friend Arnold a ride home?” Lenny asked.

 

His mom pulled down her orange sunglasses ever so slightly to get a good look at Arnold, cigarette smoke billowing from the stick between her embellished painted fingernails.

Her blond hair was pulled back into a loose bun that trailed over her shoulders. She was wearing a heavy leather jacket over what looked like a nightgown. Her face was coated in old makeup and her ears bore several empty holes, except for one silver hoop earring. She looked like the definition of a hot mess.

 

Finally, after a long hard look at Arnold, she pressed her sunglasses back towards her face and took a puff of her cigarette.  
  
“Suit yourself.” She answered.

 

“YES!” Lenny cheered excitedly, running around the car to open the backseat for Arnold.

 

Arnold smiled as he watched Lenny, but then looked hesitant towards his mom. She didn’t look too thrilled. He decided to be polite.

 

“Hello Mrs. Waddell, it’s nice to meet you.”

 

“DON’T, Call me that. Gross. Call me Sandy, or I’ll start callin’ ya UFO head.”

 

“Hahah, good one mom.” Lenny seemed to take humor in his mom’s sarcastic tone. Arnold wasn’t so sure what to make of her yet, but he smiled anyway.

 

“Aww mom! Did you have to bring all 3 of them?” Lenny complained upon looking in the backseat.

 

Arnold heard an eruption of barking as he stepped closer to the car, which startled him. There were three small dogs piled in the back seat, scrambling around and having an aneurysm upon seeing a stranger.

 

“Miami was trying to play doggy skydiving with them.” His mom shrugged.

 

Lenny squinted at her as he opened the door. “...She always does that…” He muttered, before turning to Arnold.

 

“You don’t mind pets, do you?” He asked. Arnold could barely hear what he said over the panicked barking.

 

“Oh, not at all! As long as they don’t bite…” Arnold peeked in to see a couple of hysterical terriers screaming at him, and one dopey looking pug panting away.

 

“Naaaa they’re just obnoxious. This is how they say hi!” Lenny extended a hand for Arnold to squeeze in.

  


It was a very awkward squeeze indeed. The slobbering Pug was halfway on his lap before Arnold even had his butt on the seat. He laughed a little as the pudgy dog licked at his face.

 

Lenny looked back from the passenger seat as his mom pulled out and began driving. “That’s Salami! He loves everyone, as you can see.”

 

“Heh, hi Salami.” Arnold had to hold the eye bulging dog back to keep his face from being any wetter.

 

He looked towards his right at the two terriers, who had stopped barking, and were now suspiciously sniffing him.

 

“Ohhh you must be really good with animals, Arnold! Nuka and Nitro don’t usually stop barking at a stranger until hours go by!” Lenny praised him.

 

“So I’ve been told.” Arnold gave a modest smile, looking to the two dogs who were giving him the death glare.

 

He couldn’t help but notice how full of crap this car was. Everything but the kitchen sink was crammed in here. Small kid pants, newspapers, phone chargers, several deflated inner tubes, and a a pile of what looked like various aquarium decorations.

 

He was starting to wonder if Lenny’s household was possibly more crazy than his own.

 

“Jasmin and Angela need your help when we get home.” Sandy said to Lenny as she began driving away from the school.

 

“I’m NOT playing their stupid video games for them again. They can watch Twitch for that!” Lenny exclaimed.

 

“Come on, it’s a boss fight. They’re doing their best.”

 

“Ughhh if they would just learn to READ, then maybe they would be able to talk to the NPCs and understand where to get the special ability to beat that boss.”

 

Lenny turned around to look at Arnold, afraid he was being left out. “...My twin kid sisters.”

 

“Oh! That’s cute they want to play games at such a young age.” Arnold commented.

 

“Well they’re 6… at that age I could’ve easily done a 3 hour playthrough of that game by now...” Lenny grumbled, only to be swatted across the Head by his mother's hand.

 

“Ahh mom!”

 

“Not everyone has to be a nerd like you. Go help them beat the damn boss, or no dinner.”

 

“Ugh fine!” Lenny rubbed his head, “but I’m not doing any side quests this time.”

 

“You are if you want dessert.“

 

Arnold had to hold back a laugh as Lenny openly complained. For some reason, Sandy reminded him a little bit of Helga.

 

He hoped she would be feeling better soon, now that he thought of it.

 

“Thanks again Lenny. Sandy. See you tomorrow!” Arnold thanked them through the open window, the three dogs back to barking up a storm.

 

“See ya kid. Don’t get abducted on your way to school tomorrow.” Sandy said in the most droll tone.

 

“...Did I call you the wrong name?” Arnold asked worriedly, scared he had offended her. “Sorry, I thought you wanted me to call you--”

 

“No you got it right. I just can’t get the UFO image out of my head now.” She shrugged before pulling away from the curb.

 

“Ooooo that means she likes you, see ya Arnold!” Lenny called towards him as the car veered out into the road, waving out the window. He saw Salami the pug panting out the backseat window, and had to duck to prevent a wave of slobber from hitting him in the face.

 

Well that was a trip.

 

Arnold opened his door, stepped aside to let the rush of feral animals dash out, and was surprised to see Abner waiting for him behind the door.

 

“Well look who’s back. Are you done stealing my stuff then?” Arnold asked his pig humorously, remembering that morning.

 

Abner sniffed at Arnold’s shoes as he took them off, turning his nose up in disgust at the smell.

 

“Oh don’t get offended. It was just some slimy pug and a couple of feisty terriers. I’d never replace you.” Arnold joked, scratching Abner on the head.

 

Abner didn’t seem too amused, and suddenly was picking one of Arnold’s shoes up and scrambling for the door.

 

“Seriously?! Abner no!” Arnold dove for his pig to rip the shoe out of his mouth. Thank goodness the old animal was slow.

 

“What’s gotten into you today?”

 

Abner snorted a couple times at Arnold and went for the door anyway, curled tail determined as he went in the same direction he was off to that morning.

Arnold watched him quizzically, before shaking his head and closing the door.

 

“Hey Tallman! What’s crack-a-lackin’?” His grandpa asked brightly as he entered the kitchen.

 

“Well Abner sure is being weird today.” Arnold mentioned as he foraged through the fridge for a snack.

 

“Oooo yeah he was pestering me for all sorts of stuff today! That slippery pink pickle jar.”

 

Arnold gave his grandpa a strange look as he poked his head from the fridge with some string cheese. “What do you mean? What stuff?”

 

“Oh you know, stuff of yours. A pair of socks, your hairbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a pair of gauntlets, oh nope wait, those are your grandma’s!”

 

“Grandpa! He wanted my stuff? You didn’t let him take any of it did you?”

 

“Well of course I did! That old pig is on his last leg! If he wants to go into a pig war with a pair of gauntlets as his last wish, then by golly who am I do deny him? ...plus it was hilarious watching him carry all that stuff around the house and confuse Cora!”

 

“Grandpa!” Arnold exclaimed, throwing his arms up in frustration.

 

“Oh don’t worry Arnold. Abner’s done this thing many times before, and those objects always find their way back.” He winked.

 

Arnold just sighed, taking a bite of his string cheese and heading upstairs to his room.

 

On his way through the hallway, a familiar drone flew towards Arnold and he glanced up at it.

“Afternoon Ms. Crescentia.” He greeted towards the screen on the drone, where the female border was smiling at him.

 

“Aye, Arnold! You ready to test out my new tracking device? Complete with precision GPS and undetectable!”

 

“Ahhh, maybe tomorrow. I’m a bit tired right now, sorry.” he answered honestly.

 

As he turned around and headed towards his stairs, the drone whipped around to face him and called out, “There’s no need to apologize for a pursuit I’d rest my boy! Tomorrow is a better day!”

 

As Arnold went up the stairs to his room, he could hear the drone call out, “Ohhh Mr. Hyyyynnn~!”, follower by, “Ahhh! Get the creepy robot away from my hair! Shoo!”

 

Arnold flipped out his red couch and laid back into it, his long legs dangling over the end.

As he ate the rest of his string cheese, he checked through his phone and social media.

 

He wondered if Helga had gotten a ride back, unfamiliar with her lack of absence on the way back from school. He’d gotten pretty used to the routine after all. He subconsciously pressed the call button on her name to ask, only after wondering if he was going to come off as needy or weird. It was normal to ask a friend if they were feeling better, right? That wasn’t needy. Maybe Helga would get annoyed though. She could.

 

All these doubts were irrelevant though once she answered with a “Sup, Football Head?”

 

Arnold, catching up from his dumb thoughts, sputtered out, “Oh, Hey Helga!”

 

“You sound surprised. Did you call the wrong person? I told you the green button next to your contact is call, the blue one is message—“

 

“No, sorry. I meant to call you.” He confirmed. Oh great, he was already annoying her.

 

“Oh.” She said. “So what is it? Spit it out!”

 

“Ahh- I was just wondering if you were okay. We missed you after school.” Arnold said genuinely, hoping that the ‘we’ part would make him feel less weird about calling her.

 

Helga seemed to take her time to the response, when she finally decided on, “Yeah well, I’m dying but I’ll be fine.”

 

“Oh good, wait, huh?”

 

Helga chuckled. “It’s not big deal but I’m pretty sure I caught that freak cold Eugene had the other week.”

 

“The old geezer cough cold?”

 

“That’s the one.” Helga confirmed with a light cough on the other end, which didn’t help Arnold’s concerns at all. “Plus it’s just that time of the month and I don’t have the capacity to function like a normal human being right now with that double whammy.”

 

Arnold paused. “What time of the month is it exactly? Do you usually catch a cold at this time?”

 

Helga snorted humorously at the dumb boy on the other end. “Yeah, sure Football Head. Anyways, don’t be concerned if you don’t see me at school for a bit and can’t get a hold of me. I have this great new technique I’ve found for when I get sick.”

 

“Oh? What’s that?” Arnold asked curiously, looking out his window absentmindedly as he listened. He saw Abner walking along below on the sidewalk carrying something. Probably something of his. Arnold frowned.

 

“Well it consists of me turning off my phone, curling up in a blanket and eating my weight in corn dogs and chips while I watch trashy horror movies.”

 

“That sounds fun.”

Now Abner was digging around in a bush and trying to hide the item within it.

 

“I thought for sure you’d say unhealthy and then lecture me about proper food to eat while I’m sick.” Helga mused.

 

“Well I mean, I figured you were aware.” Arnold said, “Plus that’s Phoebe’s territory.”

And now, Abner was scratching at the door, whom his grandma opened and then ushered him inside like a fancy french butler.

 

“Point.” Helga gave him that one, before suddenly hacking out a loud cough.

 

“Wow you weren’t kidding. Do you want me to run you over some cough drops or something?” Arnold offered.

 

Helga was catching her breath from her cough before she answered. “Nope nope. I’m good. Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t kidding about turning my phone off though, so no fussing.” Arnold could almost see her pointing a finger at him with that tone.

 

“Aww come on Helga, why not?” He pushed, sad that she wouldn’t accept his help. Plus, it would give him an excuse to go visit her and tell her about Lenny’s crazy dogs. Yeah, that was the reason. It was completely reasonable.

 

“Because, Mister Buttinski,” Helga coughed again, her voice sounding a bit more irritated, “I have a habit of biting people’s heads off like a rabid wolf when I’m sick. I get cranky, over-emotional, unreasonable, and to prevent myself from losing anymore friends, this is my way of self managing, okay!?”

 

Arnold grimaced a bit at her tone, wondering what to say back to her after that. The old Arnold wanted to disagree that she wasn’t really that bad, and that it was a good test to see who her true friends were, to see who was willing to stick by her in a time of need.

 

Then he remembered how old Arnold would likely get swatted at by old Helga when he got too preachy around her and ultimately didn’t end up helping in the end.

 

He instead, swallowed his advice-giving instincts and simply responded with, “...Point taken.”

 

“Ahhh you’re learning.” Helga responded between coughs, sounding mildly impressed. “Good boy,” she coughed again, “Now pardon me while I,” this time a rather aggressive cough, “Go die in peace.”

 

Arnold wished he was there so he could get her a glass of water or something.

“Okay well, feel better! Don’t die before I tell you about Lenny’s pug, okay?”

 

He thought he heard her say something like ‘wouldn’t dream of it’ between a coughing fit, before saying bye and hanging up.

 

Yeesh, he almost felt bad for making her talk this much and causing her to cough like that.

 

A scratch at Arnold’s door caused him to pocket his phone and open it, revealing an oinking Abner.

 

Arnold let him in and sighed, “I guess I have homework anyway. No sense in worrying.” he half told himself, half talking outloud to Abner.

 

“Helga’s tough, she’ll be fine.”

 

Abner snorted, looking up at Arnold.

 

“What do you think?” Arnold looked down at his pig, sitting down on his couch, still with his phone in his hands.

 

The old pig stumbled forward, putting a comforting head on his lap, to which Arnold smiled and scratched the top of Abner’s head. So maybe this pig was a good comfort animal after all. At least it helped put Arnold at ease, if even for a little bit.

 

It was all thrown out the window when Abner bit onto Arnold’s phone in his hands and yanked it out of his grip, turning around to run out of his room.

 

Arnold could not believe this.

 

“ABNER!! BAD PIG. COME BACK HERE!!”

 

He ran after the little pig-pocketer, wondering if he was ever destined to have a normal day as a teenager in the city.


	2. Cute for a Cannibal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arnold's not the only one dealing with one naughty old pig. What's the deal?

**\--------------  
HELGA: Monday**

\--------------

 

_A wound I shall never find, to hidden to heal,_

_Like a boat that can’t float, an orange you can’t peel._

_Impossible, a bridge, uncrossable._

_Give my aching heart some form of armistice,_

_the same peace you once promised us,_

_This is all I ask,_

_A mask,_

_To wear as I bare,_

_Is it to much to spare?_

 

BANG BANG BANG. “Helga, you in there?”

Helga just rolled her eyes, exasperated.

  
  
“Oye… I _swear_.”

 

_Hmm. Well it rhymed at least._

 

“WHAT Bob? I’m busy.” Helga answered, tapping the pen cap she was holding against her lips.

 

Her father in question did not seem to understand the meaning of the word ‘busy’, and opened her bedroom door anyway.

He was holding a tube of toothpaste in his hand.

 

“This yours?” He asked.

 

Helga just looked at him like he was stupid. “Yes, that is indeed my toothpaste. Did I not cap it properly or something?”

 

“Hey! Don’t get smart, I’m just letting you know that your mom and I are gonna share it for the next week. We ran out of toothpaste in our bathroom. Also Mariam is borrowing your hairbrush as well.”

 

“Wait, seriously? Now we’re getting stingy with the toiletries?” Helga couldn’t believe this.   


“First you have us eating free ‘breakfast samples’ at the grocery store on Saturdays, then we have to start stuffing our pockets full of condiments to refill ours, and now we’re giving up on basic hygiene?”

 

Oh Helga couldn’t wait to write a poem about her parents: the cheapskates.

 

“Don’t be so dramatic. We’re just trying to save fuel on the shopping trips, so we’ll buy more toothpaste on Monday.”

 

Helga frowned. “It IS Monday.”

 

“Next Monday, obviously!” Bob pointed a finger to clarify, “so for now, we’re going to borrow this.”

 

Helga growled in frustration, and even though her dad was practically out the door already, she threw a pillow towards it and shouted, “KEEP IT!”

 

This was all getting ridiculous. They’d finally sold off that stupid beeper emporium and moved back into their old home, but boy was money tight since then.

 

She heaved a sigh and sunk back into her bed, glancing down at her notebook with the stupid unfinished emo poems. Perhaps just as pathetic as her parents. Oh the irony.

 

Well, there was going to be no progress on her homework _or_ her poem writing if these distractions kept up.

 

Helga made her way downstairs, grabbed her jacket, slipped on her shoes, and headed out the door. Maybe she could scan the internet on her phone while she was in her way to school to find some sort of inspiration.

 

* * *

 

Ahhh the web. The glorious glorious World Wide Web. All wrapped up into her own little sanctuary at her fingertips in this lovely device they called a smartphone.

One of Helga’s _only_ sanctuaries now that her laptop was in the shop. It was probably going to stay there for a while seeing as they couldn’t even afford toothpaste. Somehow laptop repair seemed out of the question. She just hoped they wouldn’t give up and throw the heaping junk away before she could wrangle up enough money to pay for the maintenance fee.

 

Everything was tolerable so long as she was able to browse her daily places: her favorite poetry blogs and forums, an anonymous server where they shared feedback on their writing, her Youtube series on anomalies of nature, a Reddit thread of doctor stories on the dumbest patients, and all her favorite trashy horror movies on demand.

 

Yeah, that made up for the lackluster home environment.

 

She was so occupied with her phone dailies, that she didn’t even notice when she all but tripped over something that scurried right in front of her in that moment in time.

 

“SQUUEEEEE!”

 

“GUUAHH!! What the-“

 

Helga was able to catch herself before tripping on the pink porker in front of her. An old familiar pig that she recognized as a certain Football Head’s pet.

 

Once he’d gotten his barings, Abner took a sniff of Helga’s shoe (to her visible disgust) and began oinking at her feverishly. She slowly started inching back from the animal as he wiggled his nose at her, looking absolutely delighted.

 

“Ugh, what do you want? I don’t have any food.” Helga took another step back, eyeing the pig suspiciously. He just stood there, looking up at her contently.

 

_Creepy._

 

She slowly turned away and started back in her walk to school.

 

Helga peered out of the corner of her eye and took noticed that Abner was trailing her like a shadow.

 

_Oh great._

 

 

She whipped around and flung her arms into the air dramatically at the pig, hoping to scare him off.

 

“Do I LOOK like a meal ticket to you? I can’t even afford my own lunch, thanks!”

 

She immediately turned to strut back down the street, angrier now that the comment had just reminded her how sucky it was to be scrimping for money.

 

“Oink oink….oink.” Abner snuffled along the sidewalk as he followed.

 

“Seriously?” Helga looked down to see the pink pest was still on her heels. She sighed, looking around for an idea on how to get rid of him.

 

Ironically, she’d stopped in front of Green Meats Butcher Shop. The bacon hanging in the window struck up an idea indeed.

She crossed her arms, musing thoughtfully. Abner looked up at her curiously.

 

“Ya know… I did forget to bring a lunch today… Why don’t we go in and make a nice ham sandwich out of you?” She leaned into Abner evilly, rubbing her hands together with the thought of a delicious ham sandwich. (That actually did sound really good, she wasn’t gonna lie about that)

 

Abner shrieked back slightly at her words, but still didn’t budge. He tilted his head worriedly, having to think about what she said.

 

_Hah! That out to do it!_

 

And sure enough, Abner began to back away! But what Helga didn’t expect was for Abner to waltz right into the butcher shop. Was he asking for a death sentence?!

 

Out of instinct, she rushed into the shop after Abner, taking in the smell of heavenly sizzling bacon. She wasn’t missing the thought of a warm, home cooked breakfast until it practically crawled up her nose. Damn. This was torture. Cooking up Abner wasn’t sounding like such a bad idea at this rate.

 

“Oh, hello Helga! What can I get you?” Mr. Green had taken notice of her stepping into the shop as a perturbed looking lady walked out behind her. He obviously hadn’t seen Abner yet. She looked around frantically, but couldn’t find the little porker.

 

In a desperate attempt to seem somewhat normal and not suspicious, she uttered out an “Uhhh…” as she pretended to look at his various assortment of meats on display.

 

“Take your time.” Mr. Green said, busy crumpling up some sandwich in paper to throw out. Whatever it was, it smelled good. Helga took notice and had to ask.

 

“What’s that?” She pointed to him right before he was about to toss it into the trash behind him.

 

“Oh this? A pulled pork sandwich some lady didn’t want. Said I used too much sauce and demanded a refund. Can you believe that?” He exclaimed, waving the sandwich in question around as he did.

 

“Ya can’t please anyone these days.” She replied, scoffing at the situation. After looking at the wrapped sandwich in his hand, she had to ask. “So… you’re just going to throw it out?” Helga was internally drooling at the smell.

 

“Yeah unfortunately. I can’t sell it after it’s been touched for sanitary reasons.”

 

“Can I have it? I mean if you’re going to throw it out anyways…” Helga shrugged casually, trying not to sound desperate.

 

“Aww sorry Helga. It would be a health code violation and I’d hate for you to get sick..”

 

Helga’s shoulders slumped a bit, but the sound of an oink snapped her out of it and she looked to see Abner appear next to her, happily chanting away.

She blinked at him, an idea appearing behind her eyes.

 

“Oh well, good, because it’s not for me! I’m only asking for this loser.” She pointed to Abner, and Mr. Green adjusted his tiny glasses to see behind the glass.

 

“Ohhhh isn’t that Arnold’s old pig? Hey where’ve ya been, buddy?” He called down to the pig, and Abner squealed happily.

 

Helga tensed at the name and glared down at Abner.

 

_Oh perfect, he knows the pig. He wasn’t in any danger being in here at all. He knew to look for scraps! Damn pig tricking me. I knew I should’ve kept walking._

 

Before she could brood any longer, Mr. Green was shoving the half wrapped sandwich in her face and she took it unexpectedly.

 

“You should’ve said so! Anything for Arnold’s pig. I’m always happy to not have food go to waste!”

 

Helga took the sandwich into her hands awkwardly, not quite sure how to respond. “Er, thanks. I’ll uh, give this to him outside so he doesn’t make a mess on your floor.” She started backing out of the shop as she spoke, Abner running circles around her excitedly.

 

Mr. Green just smiled broadly as she ran out of the shop, waving goodbye as he watched Abner squeal and clop his hooves after her.

 

“They got somethin’ in common, those two.” He said wistfully.

 

* * *

  


Helga found a stoop to sit on a few blocks away to enjoy her new free breakfast. It wasn’t like there wasn’t anything to eat at home, (well, anything edible) but Helga had stormed out before she could forage for food. Her own damn fault, really.

 

“Can you believe some ladeeda lady wanted a refund on this? Too much sauce, pfft.” Helga said between bites.  

 

“Snort.”

 

Helga had almost forgotten whom she was even talking to, and the reason she was here in the first place.

She peered down at him, chewing her sandwich thoughtfully. The pig looked up at her with pleading eyes.

 

She squinted down at him, finally giving a big sigh.

“Oh alright, I guess you did sort of score me a free meal and all. You deserve a bite.”

 

She tossed him the remainder of her pulled pork sandwich, watching Abner hop into the air and nab it. He gobbled it instantly, his little nose wiggling and curled tail flicking happily. Helga watched him amusingly. She couldn’t really hate him all that much after he got her breakfast.

 

“You’re kinda cute, for a cannibal I guess.”

 

Helga heaved herself off the stoop, tossing the wrapper of the finished sandwich in a waste bin nearby and starting back down the sidewalk.

She peeked behind her curiously after a few strides to see if Abner was still following her.

 

He was just sitting where she left him, tilting his head as she looked back at him.

What a strange animal.

 

“Well…. See ya.” She actually said as she turned back around and started walking.

 

That walk quickly turned into a run once Helga looked down at her phone and noticed the time.   
  
“CRAP, I’m late! Stupid pig!”

  


School was the same. Classes were long and boring. Lunch was the usual. Then more classes, more boring lectures from boring teachers. Nothing that could distract her from a heartache locked away underneath a growling stomach. That much at least was deciding to get vocal as she entered her next class.

 

“Will you shut up already! I’ll feed you when we get home.” She comically punched her own stomach in retaliation.

 

“I don’t suppose you have some sort of hungry secret pet tucked under your shirt there, would you?”

 

Helga whipped around in surprise to see her best friend standing there with a sly little smile on her face.

 

“Phoebe! Do you take pleasure in scaring the living dead out of me?!” Helga asked, exasperated as she caught her breath.

 

“Only sometimes.” Phoebe quipped, before taking her seat next to Helga once the teacher came in to start the class.

 

“Look,” Helga whispered, “There’s no need to worry--”

 

“Did you not bring a lunch again today? Is that why you weren’t in the cafeteria? Ohh I knew I should’ve brought an extra!” Phoebe quickly sputtered out, and Helga had to shut her mouth to stop her from going into worry-wart mode.

 

“I didn’t bring a lunch on purpose okay!” Helga said.

 

“Huh? Why not?”

 

Helga tried to think of an excuse. She loved Phoebe to death, but she also hated worrying her about her sorry excuse for a household and how it was really taking a toll on her recently. Phoebe would have given her left leg to keep Helga happy, and that’s exactly why Helga needed to remain as happy as she could possibly bare. After all, she liked having a best friend with both legs.

 

“Because… Because I’ve been feeling kinda sick lately, and you know how it is when you feel queasy.”

 

“Oh yes, fatigue and loss of appetite.”

 

Helga snapped her fingers, “Exactly!”

 

Phoebe reached up to feel Helga’s forehead before she could interject.

 

“Hmmm, you do feel a little warm.”  
  
“I do?” Helga blinked, “I mean, yeah actually now that you mention it, I have been sweating more than usual.” She lied.

 

“And your skin is a bit pale today as well. Loss of color. Are you sure you’re alright to continue the rest of class if you’re getting this sick?”

 

Man, this lie was working pretty dang well. Helga thanked her lucky stars that her skin was on the hot and pale side today of all days.

….Although come to think of it she was feeling pretty crappy all day. She had just assumed it was her foul mood ever since the morning.

 

“Well, who’s sure of anything these days, am I right? But I’ll struggle through the grind as I normally do.” She shrugged, hoping to be convincing enough for Phoebe.

 

Phoebe suddenly backed out of her chair and stood up to raise her hand, alerting the eyes of every student. Helga’s eyes looked up in surprised with the rest of the class.

 

“Excuse me, Mrs. Carver?”

 

“Yes Phoebe?”

 

“Helga is feeling terribly ill. May I escort her to the nurses office?”

 

Helga looked around in panic at all of the attention suddenly drawn onto her.

 

_Oh, criminy. Maybe that was TOO convincing._

 

* * *

 

Helga sighed as she exited the nurses office with her worry-wart of a friend moments later.

 

“Pheebs, I love you, but you’re smothering me. I’m fine, really!”

 

Phoebe slapped an icepack into her chest and pointed sharply for Helga to put it on her head.

 

Helga squinted at her friend for a few seconds in stubbornness, before following through and pressing it against her own forehead begrudgingly.

 

“Helga you have a mild fever. You need to go home and rest! The nurse said so!” She actually had her hands on her hips at this point.

 

Helga graoned. “Yes mother…”

 

“Come on Helga. If you won’t talk to me about your troubles, at least take care of yourself. I know these last few months have been difficult but--”

 

“Enough! I get it! You’re worried. I’m sorry! I’ll go home, okay?” Helga interrupted, not really in the mood to have a heart to heart about her feelings. She was having enough today as it was.

 

“Alright…” Phoebe squeaked out, trying her best not to push Helga.

 

Helga patted her friend on the shoulder, smiled, and started walking towards the nearest door.

“Thanks Pheebs.”

 

Well, at the very least this meant that she could just hang around at the park for an hour and waste time on her phone, relaxing before going back home.

 

* * *

 

Well, that was a bust.

 

No matter where she walked in this blasted city, her internet was just not working. Not e-mail, not browser, not even her chatting apps.

 

_For crying out loud._

 

She sprawled out for a moment onto a nearby bench, looking ridiculously exasperated. She didn’t even care if an onlooker saw her halfway falling off the thing with her head all crooked and her limbs flailed all over.

 

A funny sound coming from underneath the bench however, made her nearly fall face first off the bench.

 

“Oink?”

 

A stubby little snout wiggled from underneath, and Helga frowned deeply.

 

“You again? What do you want from me! Look, unless you know how to score me another free sandwich, beat it, swine!” she shook an angry fist at Abner, who looked started, but didn’t run off.

 

“I said leave me alone!!”

 

“REEEEE!” Abner ran as Helga chased him off.

 

When she stopped and turned around to start walking home, she looked behind her, and there he was again, following her!

 

_Son of a gumball wrapper!_

 

Another rage induced chase later, while several park goers raised their eyebrows at a girl chasing a pig around the park, Helga was out of breath, and feeling quite exhausted. She almost felt like passing out from all of that.

 

She looked behind her hesitantly.

 

And there he was again.

 

Jeez laweez, this little asshat did not give up, did he?

 

“Ugh, I give in, you stupid pig. Too exhausted for this...”

 

And Abner followed her right up to her doorstep. She had to threaten him with the prospect of a porkchop dinner to make sure he didn’t squeeze inside her house.

 

She collapsed against the inside of her door, out of breath and feeling very fatigued. What a crummy day.

 

“Oh welcome home dear! Did school get out early?” Miriam was unusually prompt and chipper to greet her. It was strange for sure.

 

“Huh, yeah Miriam. Early.” Helga was already busying herself with her phone. The internet was still out, and she was currently trying her settings to reset it.

 

“Hey, is the network down for you too?” Helga asked, holding up her phone, “I haven’t been able to get service all afternoon.”

 

Miriam clasped her hands and gave a worried smile. “Well, your father had to change the family plane this morning to cut costs, and well, the most expensive part of our plan was the data, so--”

 

“No, you did NOT.” Helga shook her head in disbelief. This was icing on the shitcake. No way were they taking away her data plan. It was her only relief!

 

“I’m so sorry Helga, but once your father finds a new job, we can get it back! We just need to be frugal right now.”

 

Helga put a hand to her temple, feeling even more nauseous than before. She looked to the window nearby and saw Abner’s annoying fat face staring at her.

 

“Say, are you alright Helga? Your face is all red and your eyes look a bit baggy. Have you been getting enough sleep?” He mother reached out to Helga’s face, and she backed away tensely from the action for the second time today.

 

_Sheesh! What’s with people today?_

 

“I’m FINE. Just… why isn’t the wifi working? I can’t even get internet in the house.” She asked, tapping her phone in frustration.

 

Miriam chuckled light-heartedly at Helga’s question. Almost a little _too_ light-heartedly.

 

“It’s the funniest story actually. You see, I had the internet bill on the fridge, but we couldn’t afford to pay it right when it came in, and I think I accidentally used the back of the envelope as a grocery list to save on paper.”

 

Helga crossed her arms and frowned. Despite her mother’s cheerfulness, she did not like where this story was going.

 

“But then when I was done grocery shopping, I must have just, thrown the envelope out! You know, out of habit!”

 

“So long story short: you didn’t pay the internet bill.”

 

“Yes, that’s it!”

 

“So they turned our internet off.”

 

“Yes, unfortunately. But it’s okay because I already called a different internet company, and they’re giving us an even better deal than the last one! Isn’t that wonderful dear?”

 

Helga sighed. “Fine, Miriam. Just, when is the internet back?”

 

“Oh they said they were able to fit us in on Monday! I thought it was very sweet of them. They sounded pretty slammed, you know.”

 

“Mom, it IS Monday! You mean we’re not going to have internet… for an entire WEEK?”

 

“Oh not to worry Helga. When I was your age, we didn’t even have the internet, and we made all sorts of fun games out of our spare time. I think it’ll be quite refreshing to unplug and relax for a while.”  


This was unbelievable. Helga was about to lose it. No food she could deal with. Heck, she was used to that at this age. The toothpaste was obnoxious, but she could just gargle mouthwash longer and brush without it for a week. Heck, she could comb her hair with her fingers.

 

But no INTERNET? Not outside the house, OR inside it? That was like ripping her only sanctuary away. This couldn’t be happening.

 

Helga took a deep breath to let out an exasperated scream, but Miriam interrupted her.

 

“I know how to make it up to you, though! We’re going shopping for some new clothes! Isn’t that great?”

 

Helga let out her deep breath in an exasperated sigh, deflating at her mom’s idea.

 

She looked down at her current clothes, patched in one spot, and frayed at the bottom. It had been a while since she’d gotten new garments, and she was tired of having to sew them together whenever something ripped. Especially when Rhonda and the girls would point it out and ask if Helga wanted any fashion tips ‘free of charge’.

 

She looked back at her mom and quietly uttered a “fine.”

It was something, at least.

 

“That’s great! Let’s go!” She yanked Helga off to the car with that.

 

As they pulled out of the driveway, Helga noticed Abner, still sitting on her stoop, tilting his head curiously as he faded into the distance.

 

_Dumb pig better be gone when we get back._

  


* * *

  


After suffering through her mom’s vacant rambling in the car, Helga was mildly disappointed to see them end up at a thrift store to go shopping.

 

Of course.

 

Although she wasn’t thrilled to be there, she cycled through the racks of clothing regardless, hoping to find something decent that didn’t at least have holes in it. If she was going to choose between looking like a bum and looking a little less trendy, she was going to choose the latter.

 

“Yuck… gross…. trash… nope…. Hmmm.”

 

Helga stopped at a particular dress of all things. It was far more stylish than anything else she looked at in this dusty old store so far. Although she wasn’t in the mood to really stand out from the crowd, dressing nice for once would feel rather good.

But it was too ritzy looking for her, Miss big, tough Helga. Yeah. Forget it!

 

“The kids at school would probably lose their spit if they saw me in this.” She scoffed to herself, before looking at some other clothes nearby.

 

But that dress kept coming back into her mind as she browsed through gross sweater after ugly skirt.

 

“On second thought, why NOT have them lose their spit? Maybe they’ll just be in shock at how awesome I look for once!”

 

She looked over towards where the dress was, and discovered that it was being pulled out by another older woman.

Almost defensively, she marched over and snatched it out of the woman’s hands. When the woman gave an audible gasp, Helga waved her off with an “Ahhh save it, you’re past its prime anyway!” And strutted off to the changing rooms.

 

_I saw it first._

 

Helga waited in line awkwardly with her dress and a couple of pairs of jeans for the one fitting room in the store. This place was trashier than a Walmart in Alabama. She was pretty sure the woman in front of her had the biggest muffin top in the city, and the guy in back of her smelled like butter. Not to mention he kept trying to talk to her about his Malamutes.

 

_I can’t wait to get out of here. Miriam better be ready to leave by the time I’m done in there._

 

Once she got into the dressing room, she wasn’t sure about the dress at first. It had a very small tear on the end, but it was barely noticeable.

It was casual, not overly fancy, but it had a certain finesse to it that made her look snappy and stylish, but still about to kick your ass, if need be.

 

 _Perfect_.

 

It was a long time since she’d looked in the mirror and felt relatively confident in her appearance. Too much self doubt since…

 

She shook herself out of it, making a determined scowl at her reflection and pointing squarely at it.

 

“Alright you, listen up. You’re getting the damn dress. Not because you’re trying to impress anyone, but because you look good and you deserve to feel good. So walk out this stall with your head held high, take charge of your life, and go forth!”

 

She squinted at her reflection for a few minutes, before undressing and getting back into her normal garbs. When she finally opened the dressing room stall, she discovered quite a crowd surrounding her, which went from stares to a quick applause. She stood there, perplexed as the random assortment of individuals clapped for her, including her mother, who was wiping a tear.

 

“That was just beautiful dear.”

 

Helga blushed and hunched over, embarrassed as she shamefully walked towards the checkout counters.

 

“I’ve really gotta stop talking to myself.”

 

* * *

 

That dumb pig was _not_ gone by the time she got back home.

 

“Awww look Helga! It’s a piggy!” Miriam said as they pulled into the garage.

 

“Fascinating.” Helga peered out the window as Abner’s ears perked up upon spotting their car. He looked like he had something in his mouth.

 

As they got out of the car, Helga looked to see Abner poke his head into the garage.

 

Criminy! What was with this pig?

 

“Wait, Miriam, don’t-!” Helga tried to stop her mom from opening the door carelessly, but it was too late. Abner had taken the chance to sneak into her house as her mother gasped out an “oh dear”.

 

“Auughhh! Get out!” Helga screamed, rushing in after him, “Get out, get out! Get out of my house you filthy pig!”

 

“REEEEE!!”

 

Abner dropped some kind of item during his zoom around her living room, until she finally got him out the front door with a broom, slammed the door, coughing several times trying to catch her breath as she leaned against the door.

 

Unbelievable.

 

“Honey? Are you, oh there you are!” Miriam brought in their bags from the store with her, handing one to Helga.

 

“Was that a friend of yours?”

 

Helga looked at her mom like she was on drugs. “Yes Miriam. My friend….the pig. I asked him to come over for spaghetti.”

 

“That’s wonderful dear. I’ll make sure the meatballs aren’t made from pork.” She said cheerfully as she turned around for the kitchen.

 

Helga ran a tired hand across her face at that. She was ready to pass out right there.

 

“Oh hey, your friend dropped this!” Miriam picked something up from the ground and handled it to her, before heading back towards the kitchen.

 

Helga looked down at the hairbrush. This was what that pig had dropped while she was chasing him? Why the heck was he holding a hairbrush?

 

She pondered while she traveled upstairs to her room.

 

And where would he even get a hair—

 

Just then, she took a closer look and saw the blonde hair sticking out from it, and gasped.

 

_Is this… Arnold’s hair brush??_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow updated this on a super broken and frustratingly so computer while out of town. Be grateful. I'm suffering here. 
> 
> You know what else is suffering? My ability to write poems. Suffer fools, suffer! 
> 
> Please be patient with future updates, I am a very slow writer! (And by patient, I mean nag me daily and threaten me possibly. Whatever works really)


	3. Barricaded Baconated-Burglar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day, another question on what to do with his naughty pet pig. Arnold's week is only just beginning, so it seems.

\---------------------

**Arnold: Tuesday**

\---------------------

 

“Hey Arnold, time to wake up! Your day awaits. Hey Arnold! The time is 7:00AM. If you do not wake up, you will be late for school, resulting in a below average grade and possible to income job at the supermarket for the next 6-8 years.” 

 

Arnold squinted, half awake, and wondering who on earth programed this smart watch as he tapped it off. At least Watch-Mom was creative. There  _ was  _ that. 

 

After getting dressed and heading downstairs for breakfast, (albeit missing one sock) he was suspiciously on the lookout for Abner, who he caught in the same place as yesterday morning: waiting to be let out the front door. 

 

Arnold crept up on the pig and ripped a single sock from his mouth. Abner shrieked in surprised as Arnold pulled the sock onto his foot, giving Abner the stink eye. 

 

“Come on Abner, this sock isn’t even that old and… ‘edible’ yet. Let’s go get you a proper breakfast.” He patted the naughty pig on the head before walking into the dining room, greeting the borders who were already eating. 

 

“Arnold! Come join us! We are having breakfast tacos today!” Mr. Hynn announced, displaying a wide variety of odd taco concoctions. A strange but, interesting breakfast choice for sure. 

Ernie, Oscar and Cora where all currently stuffing their faces. 

 

“One sec, I just need to feed Abner before he tries to eat my hat next.” 

 

“Arnoooold, when are you going to stop wearing that dinky little hat anyway?” Oscar commented. 

 

“Hey, there is nothing wrong with having pride in something small and seemingly insignificant!” Ernie retorted, reaching for a bowl of chopped potatoes. 

 

“Not unless you can make up for it with something bigger, am I right boys?” Cora cut in, her big arms reaching for a plate of sausages and wiggling her eyebrows at them. 

 

The three man stared at her with awkward, tense faces. 

 

Meanwhile, Arnold was rummaging through the fridge and pulling out all sorts of old leftovers to dump into a bowl for Abner. 

 

He left the fridge open as he set various tupperware containers on the counter, greeting his grandma as she approached him. 

 

Arnold did a double take when he noticed what she was wearing. 

From the leather jacket, white scarf, bomber hat and goggles, she seemed to be dressed up as Amelia Earhart today.

 

“What’s the word this morning, Skipper?” she asked, throwing a strand of her scarf over he neck triumphantly. 

 

Arnold smiled, amused by his grandmother’s usual antics. 

“Nothing much, just feeding Abner before school.” 

 

“Ahh, the same swine that left with the orange juice just now?” She asked, pointing towards the door. 

 

“What?” Arnold quickly looked into the fridge, noticing that the orange juice was indeed missing. He quickly ran to the window in the dining room and reached out to see Abner trotting off with an entire carton of OJ, disappearing around the corner. 

 

_ How in the-- _

 

“Abner! Abner wait!” Arnold shouted, about to scramble out the window after the pig, before he was pulled back out by a strong force. 

 

“Whoa there Arnold! No need to break your neck jumping out of the window like that!” Cora plucked him up by the arms and placed him into a chair with the rest of the borders. 

 

“Now, why don’tcha have a nice hearty breakfast with us instead?” 

 

Arnold just sighed, pulling what looked like a plate full of pancakes filled with sausage and bacon bits slathered in syrup. 

 

“I just can’t understand what’s gotten into him lately.” 

 

“Ehhh don’t worry about it. That pig always moves items around like this.” Ernie tried to console him. 

 

“He does?” Arnold asked, “Since when?” 

 

“Since 1937, when everything disappeared while I was flying over the Atlantic!” Gertie was now gesturing wildly across the table. Oscar had to duck his head as she motioned her arms like an airplane. 

 

“You crazy old woman, you made me drop my taco!” 

 

“You’ll be losing more than that if you keep stealing all the sausages, Kokoshka.” Cora pointed squarely at the man, with a very serious scowl. 

 

“Ehhh, I am just a sad, single, lonely man with a gluten allergy. what have I got left to lose?” Oscar whined pathetically. 

 

“He can eat bread!” Mr. Hynn whispered to Ernie, “He always eats all the leftover rolls at my restaurant!” 

 

Cora answered by making direct eye contact with Oscar, furrowing her brow, and sawing the sausage on her plate in half. Slowly. 

 

The three men again, watched Cora wide eyed, saying nothing. 

 

Arnold just quietly ate his breakfast taco while they all squirmed uncomfortably. 

 

“I just remembered! I have to go clip my toenails!” Oscar nervously excused himself. 

 

“Well I’m stuffed anyway.” Enrie scooted out from hi seat. 

 

“Yes… The tacos, they do not agree with my stomach! Have a good day Arnold!” Mr. Hynn patted him on the head as he left. 

 

Gertie pulled out a seat and sat down next to her forlorn looking grandson. 

 

“Would you like to tell the tales of your woes, Flyboy?” 

  


 

Arnold looked up, playing with a piece of bacon on his plate. “I just worry that with Abner getting so old, it might not be good to let him wonder the city anymore, especially not that he’s gone full on crime-spree.” 

 

“Ahhhh, the baconated-burglar.” Gertie snapped her fingers. 

 

“Do you think it would be cruel to lock him up inside though? I just worry about what he’s been getting into lately.” Arnold asked. 

 

“Hmmm,” Gertie pondered for a moment, “Some souls are just meant to fly, Arnold. After all, the lure of flying is the lure of beauty!” She stood up, popping the goggles over her eyes. “Now, I best be off. The Canary won’t fly itself! There will always be a seat on my plane if you need some perspective.” She winked before wandering off. 

 

Arnold decided that it was a bit too early to see through his grandma’s riddles, so he cleared off his plate, rustled up his backpack, and headed off to school. 

 

* * *

 

“Yo, Arnold!” 

 

Arnold turned around on his way to the bus, smiling at Gerald as he came jogging over with Phoebe. 

 

“Hey guys, cutting it a bit close, aren’t you?” Arnold waited right outside the door so it wouldn’t close on them as they entered, a bit out of breath. 

 

“Yeah just a bit,” Gerald stood up after catching his breath, “Phoebe said we had enough time before the bus came. I gotta stop listening to you, Phoebe.” 

 

“Had enough time for what?” Arnold asked, taking a hand bar on the bus, seeing as all most of the seats were taken. Gerald found a single seat nearby and offered it to Phoebe.

 

“...nevermind.” Gerald waved his hands nervously. 

 

“As I see it,” Phoebe pleasantly chimed in, “We made it just in time, as I predicted.” She looked unusually pleased with herself, and Gerald groaned. 

 

“Only because we had to book it! I’m about to have an asthma attack over here!” Gerald complained dramatically, although Arnold could tell it was all in good fun. 

 

“Well I’m just fine, and I have much shorter legs.” Phoebe smirked, catching Gerald’s grumpy face and looking way too smug. She didn’t look nearly as exhausted as him.

 

Gerald just gave her a funny glare before he whipped his head towards Arnold. 

“I can’t handle this! She’s too cute! Tell her she’s way too cute, Arnold. I can’t even look at her.” 

 

Arnold gave a humorous smile and just shrugged at Phoebe. 

“You’re too cute.” 

 

“Awww no, don’t you go calling my girlfriend cute, or we gonna have words!” Gerald mockingly threatened Arnold, and they all had a chuckle. 

 

Arnold glanced out the bus window as Gerald continued to complain to Phoebe. He looked down at his phone absentmindedly. 

 

He didn’t ask where Helga was. He figured she was staying home today so he wouldn't bring it up, but he couldn’t help wondering if she was doing alright. It was weird not having her around on the way to school. 

 

* * *

 

As Arnold stepped off the bus with Gerald and Phoebe, he saw Lenny getting out of his mom’s car. He was about to wave, but Lenny seemed preoccupied with his mom as he got out, looking embarrassed and frustrated until he took something from her stubbornly. 

 

Arnold tilted his head to watch Lenny grumpily walk over towards him, curious to why Sandy was just sitting there watching from her car. 

 

“Hey Lenny, what’s wrong?” Arnold asked as Gerald and Phoebe observed from behind him. 

 

Lenny rolled his eyes and handed Arnold a small shaped piece of paper. “Mom wanted me to give you this…” 

 

Arnold looked down at what he was handed as Gerald and Phoebe snooped to see over his shoulder. 

 

It looked like a bumper sticker of a…. UFO. The words, “I believe” arched over the top. 

 

Arnold just pursed his lips with an “Ah.” He looked over towards Sandy in her car to see she was giving him the thumbs up as she drove away. Lenny just shook his head.    
  
“MMM-MM!” Gerald sputtered out, doubling over in laughter. Phoebe was trying to hold back a giggle herself. 

 

“Now that’s a new one! Gotta admit that Lenny’s mom has a good sense of humor!” 

 

“Yeah, well, you don’t live with her.” Lenny muttered under Gerald’s laughter. 

 

They all began to head towards the school when a familiar voice caught Arnold's attention from behind. 

 

“What are you meatheads laughing at?” 

 

Arnold blinked, surprised to see Helga approaching them. She was wearing some sort of casual dress. He’d never seen her in a dress to school before. Not since he’d left, at least. It was different. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it at first, until he realized it suited her. It kind of looked cool. 

 

He realized he was standing there, staring at her like a loon as Phoebe rushed over to scold Helga for showing up. 

 

“You’re not feeling well, Helga! What are you doing here?” 

 

“Yeah, you do look like you’re in desperate need of a cup of coffee, girl.” Gerald nodded in agreement. 

 

“Already had 3.” Helga answered, holding up 3 groggy fingers. She had bags under her eyes regardless, and definitely did not look fully functional.

 

Gerald just shook his head, disapprovingly. “Man keep your germs away from me, Helga. I’ve already been sick once this year.” 

 

“Yeah, don’t you know that coming to a public space like this right as your coming down with something has a 86% chance to affect your fellow students?” Lenny added, covering his mouth with a sleeve. 

 

“I’m 100% sure that statistic is made up.” Phoebe pointed out. 

 

Helga took the opportunity to grab them and wrap her arms around both their shoulders, getting real close to their faces as she yelled, “Sorry, what was that!?” And then started coughing purposefully. 

  


 

Lenny and Gerald both pulled away in disgust, complaining loudly as Arnold and Phoebe laughed. 

 

“As fun as this has been, Phoebe and I are making our way to the library before class starts. Don’t go causing the plague or anything while we’re gone.” He warned Helga. 

 

She coughed into her hand and offered it to Gerald. “Promise. How about we shake on it.”

 

Gerald just looked at her with more disgust, tensing his shoulders as he turned to leave. 

 

Helga started laughing, and then hacking a real cough. Arnold carefully patted her on the back as she caught her breath.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want to talk at all?” Phoebe quietly asked Helga as she was leaving, looking very concerned. 

 

Helga just shrugged and waved her off. “I’m fine, Pheebs. Not sick enough to mope around in bed all day. Not yet at least. Stay tuned.” She shot her a friendly finger gun. 

 

With her humor convincing, Phoebe smiled and nodded, leaving with Gerald. 

 

Now that half their party was leaving, Arnold realized he had not said one single thing to Helga yet, and was feeling pretty bad about that. He decided to say the first thing that came to mind. 

 

“Helga, you’re wearing a dress.” He stopped, wondering how to describe it. Should he say it was pretty? Nope, too forward. Also not in front of Lenny. Cool? Was that implying that it wasn’t pretty then? Oh shoot, he left the sentence unfinished too long and now Helga was giving him a look like he was dumb. 

 

“Fantastic observation, Football Head.” She crossed her arms. 

 

“A new discovery. Alert the presses!” Lenny bursted out, defusing the awkward tension. “The Iron Fists wears a dress! Ohhh, hey, not a bad comic book idea. Gotta jot that down later.” He mused, walking towards the school. 

 

“Sorry,” Arnold said quietly to Helga, following Lenny up the steps. “I meant to say it looks nice.” 

 

Nice! That was a very appropriate word. Perfect. 

 

“Did you now.” Helga gave him a sarcastic look. She really did look pretty sick today, her hair all messy and her posture all slumped.

 

“Yeah. It suits you.” 

 

He could see a small trace of a smile on her lips at the comment, even though she was trying to hide it with a scowl. 

 

“What’s the occasion?” 

 

She coughed a couple times. “It’s my sick dress. I wear it to ward off any oncoming viruses. Passed down from Pataki,” she coughed again, “To Pataki throughout 5 generations.” And another coughing fit. 

 

“Stop dying!” Lenny yelled from a few meters ahead of them. 

 

“Sounds like it’s working  _ great _ .” Arnold humorously replied, patting her shoulder and hoping she really wasn’t going to die. 

 

“Oh sarcasm? Am I in the right school? What is this.” She kept moving, ignoring her stabbing headache. 

 

Arnold raised his eyebrows in a smile, pleased with himself that he could pull it off. 

 

She just scoffed at him. “No it’s just ahh. It’s nostalgic I guess.” She answered, seemingly honestly. 

“I just wear it when I get sick. Hard to explain.” 

 

Arnold cocked his head to the side at her, curious about her unusual wistfulness. 

 

“Why are you late again!?” Lenny shouted. He was now several meters away from them. 

 

“I’m not late! Why are you shouting from all the way over there?!” Helga screamed back, coughing from the result of yelling loudly. 

 

“You’re all germy! I’m not taking any chances!” 

 

“Bah!” Helga swatted in his general direction. 

 

“I hope you didn’t force yourself to school this morning. You seem like you could really use the rest.” 

 

“No way. My parents are driving me insane and I just needed to get out of the house.”

 

“Is that why you weren’t at the bus stop? I hope it’s not too bad at home right now.” Arnold continued, hoping she wouldn’t get upset about the topic. 

 

“Oh no, uh,” Helga shook her head, trying to come up with something so he wouldn’t have to worry. “I was um… having an old friend visiting last weekend. That’s why I was late. I was seeing him off before school.” 

 

“Oh really? That’s so nice of you. What’s his name?” 

 

“Ab—er.. Abergail. His name’s Abergail.” 

 

Arnold looked at Helga very strangely.

 

“Abergail?” 

 

“Yeah you know. It’s the boy version of Abigail. We call him Abe.” 

 

“Oh, cool.” Arnold said simply. For some reason, he felt a little bit irked that he didn’t know anything about this ‘friend’ visiting her. Someone she met while he was gone maybe?

 

“Is he a… family friend or something?” Arnold asked carefully, hoping to understand. 

 

“CRIMIDY ARNOLDO, what is this, an interrogation?!” She finally flipped out on him, and he realized that he was getting overly pushy about the subject. He didn’t know why. 

 

“Sorry!” he sputtered out, waving his hands nervously. 

 

“RUN ARNOLD! She’s already into phase 2 of her viral transformation! I’ve seen this so many times in sci-fi! Get out while you can!” Lenny called from the top of the stairs leading to the school entrance. 

 

“That’s it.” Helga coughed under her breath, going into a run towards Lenny, who shrieked like a girl when she started sprinting towards him. 

 

Dang, sick girl could move. 

 

* * *

 

“Hey, what symptoms did the Black Death cause again?” Lenny asked, setting his food tray down at a table with Arnold. 

 

“The symptoms are vast and dependent on the type of illness. The Black Death was comprised of several, Lenny.” 

 

“Oh right.” He quickly opened his notebook and jotted this down, “Sorry, I have a hard time focusing in class. Do you have an… example of one of those illnesses and their symptoms?” Lenny was reading a question off his homework sheet.

 

Arnold sighed, not really wanting to just give Lenny the answer, but he also just wanted to eat his lunch and not go into tutor mode right now either. 

 

“Well the Bubonic Plague was the most common, so you could start there. Symptoms were you know, fever symptoms… swollen lymph nodes.. Vomiting and--” Arnold looked at his food skeptically. “You know what, how about we don’t work on history homework during lunch.” He suggested flatly. 

 

“Yeah you're right,” Lenny was already stuffing his face full of a loaded sub, seemingly unaffected by the topic. “Hey speaking of plagues, where’s Helga?” 

 

“I’m not sure.” Arnold said, quickly scanning the lunchroom to see if she was around. While he was doing so, he pulled a small notebook out of his backpack and began jotting something down. 

 

“What’cha got there?” Lenny asked, pointing to what he was doing. Arnold wiped a flake of lettuce off from the notebook that flew onto it in the process.

 

“Oh, it’s just a pros and cons list I’ve been using to brainstorm.” 

 

Lenny looked closely to see the two columns read: “Keeping Abner locked inside” and “Letting Abner continue to roam”. 

 

“Abner, who’s that? Is he related to Helga’s weird friend Abergail?” Lenny snorted at the name, remember how stupid it sounded. Who in their right mind named their son Abergail? 

 

“He’s my pet pig.” Arnold answered, and Lenny’s eyes immediately lit up with wonder. 

 

“You have a pet PIG? Whoooaa, now that’s different.” 

 

“Yeah, he’s usually a very good pig, but lately he’s been getting into all of my stuff and then running out of the house with it. It’s getting really annoying.” 

 

“Did I hear you right?” That was Gerald, who was walking past their table at the moment. “Abner is stealing your stuff?” 

 

“Unfortunately you heard correctly.” Arnold sighed, poking at his fries absentmindedly, unsure of what to do. 

 

“Mmm-mm. Why’s he doing that?” Gerald asked. 

 

“Yeah, he should really stop  _ hogging _ all of your possessions.” Lenny said, putting emphasis on hogging so they wouldn’t miss his witty pun. 

 

Gerald & Arnold gave Lenny a look that said, ‘really?’

 

“I have no idea why he’s doing it.” Arnold shrugged.

 

“Well it seems to me that you need to find out! Why don’t we all meet up after school and have ourselves an old fashioned detective run?” Gerald suggested, grinning with his teeth. 

 

“Heeeeey can we have a name? We should be called, the ‘Spam Spotters’!” Lenny announced triumphantly. Gerald gave him another dry look where as Arnold just held his patient smile. 

 

“No wait, that sounds too much like we’re merely internet moderators… nevermind.” He muttered to himself. 

 

“It’s alright Gerald. I’m just going to keep him indoors tonight and see if he gets bored of this game. Thanks though.” He gave him a thumbs up, which Gerald responded by bumping his own thumbs up against his hand. 

 

“Well, we’re here for you if you change your mind and start feeling way too dis-grunt-led.” Lenny finger-gunned towards Arnold. 

 

Gerald just shook his head.

 

“Will do Lenny.” Arnold said. 

 

* * *

  
  
Arnold didn’t see Helga for the rest of the day after that. After never showing up for lunch, he found Phoebe in the halls to inquire further, who confirmed that she needed to go home. 

 

After nodding in agreement, glad that she had gone to get some rest, Arnold then tried to focus on class. 

 

_ Tried _ being the key word there. 

 

Between worrying about Helga’s sickness, and Abner getting into trouble, he was having difficulty focusing. 

 

Maybe he could exercise Abner before bed so he would be too tired to steal his things. 

 

Maybe he could buy some snacks that Helga liked and leave them in her mailbox for her. That way he wasn’t disturbing her, but still being his thoughtful self. 

 

Maybe that was too much though. That might be pushing too far into boyfriend levels. 

 

“Shortman!”

 

Arnold jolted upright from his pencil and paper, eyes up at his teacher. 

 

“I asked if you had any thoughts on the discussion at hand?” 

 

Arnold looked around in a slight panic, having no idea what the teacher had last left off on. 

 

“Not… currently, sorry.” Arnold answered, and the teacher squinted judgingly at him before calling on someone else. 

 

Arnold sighed, staring back down at the doodle he had been absentmindedly drawing before he was interrupted. 

 

 

* * *

 

“Oof! What in Tebet is this doing here?” Phil was rubbing his leg after bumping into a baby gate that was setup to block the staircase. 

 

“Sorry grandpa, it’s so Abner can’t get out of the house tonight.” Arnold said as he walked up, stretching his long legs over the baby gate to get across. 

 

“Hrmm well okay, long as it’s just one night, otherwise someone’s bound to break a hip tripping over that thing.” 

 

“And by someone, you mean you!” Ernie said behind the gate, looking perturbed. 

 

“And what about me? What am I supposed to do?” He asked, not even able to look over the thing.

 

“Do a Parkour off the wall!” Came the voice of Cora, honed by her flying drone. 

 

Ernie growled in frustration as he jumped to swat at the flying machine, and Cora’s laugh was heard as it bobbed up and down just out of his reach. 

 

“That’s good practice man! Keep at it and you’ll be doing flips over that gate in no time!” 

 

Cora continued to encourage/mock Ernie as Phil just shook his head and Arnold slowly made his way up to his room. When he got to the stairway to his room, he saw Abner sitting there, looking very grumpy.

 

“Hey buddy, ready for a nice calm night indoors?” Arnold patted him on the head, but only received a snort in return. It was not a very nice sounding snort. 

 

“Hey, don’t get mad at me. This is only because you keep getting into my stuff! You can go back outside once you stop stealing, Okay?” 

 

Abner turned his head up and marched away with an attitude. 

 

Arnold just sighed, heading into his room and discarding his backpack. He reminded himself that it was for Abner’s own good.  
  


* * *

  
That night, Arnold kept Abner in his room with the door closed.

 

That was a bad idea. 

 

Arnold was woken up 5 times by Abner rustling around and scratching at his door restlessly. When he woke up to see what was the matter, he saw that Abner had create a small pile in front of his door. 

Notebooks, assorted tools, some San Lorenzo trinkets… one of his desk drawers?? 

 

Arnold finally gave in at around 3am to let Abner out of his room. There was a baby gate downstairs after all. Plus, Arnold felt dead from the on and off sleep. How much trouble could he get into in the hallway? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuck I'm such a slow writer. Thanks for being patient! Feel free to stomp around and nag me. I sure do need it.   
> I've been busy is all. Went to Brazil for a wedding, proceeded to get sick, quickly got hijacked by family for the 4th of July, and now in less then 2 weeks I'll be whisked away to California to meet up with friends for San Diego comicon! (Meeting up with Craig Bartlett himself! How exciting!)   
> So it might be a bit before the next update, soorrrryyyyy. Maybe I'll get inspiration to write on the plane. That tends to happen. 
> 
> Anyways. 
> 
> Thanks guys. I enjoy writing, even if it's just a silly fanfic. I plan to keep it up!


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